The narcissist, sociopath and psychopath have a stare. We’ve all seen it. Initially it is meant to captivate or secure their new victim however; once the victim is obtained the stare becomes predatory and menacing. It is used to unnerve their victims. It’s a hollow, unsettling look that doesn’t look at you as much as it looks through you. The narc will remain calm and emotionless in an attempt to stare you down, intimidate you and put you back into a submissive state. My ex loved to deploy this especially when I was upset or emotional about something. Whether I was upset at having just caught him in another lie or whether I was upset because a loved one was in the hospital he would become silent and stare directly through me. It almost seemed that my emoting was completely disgusting to him even though I was behaving like any normally functioning human would. When he deployed the reptilian stare I knew there was a definite possibility that I might not live through the night and that this man was capable of absolutely anything. It was haunting.
I remember distinctly one night I came home to find him texting his latest girlfriend. I was devastated, we were supposed to be working on our marriage and I was staring at the concrete evidence on his phone that he was cheating. I, like any wife would, became extremely emotional. I started yelling and crying, pleading and begging. He sat there completely devoid of any emotion, didn’t say a word and stared right through me. He looked at me like one would look at a TV documentary about a lion kill, hollow and somewhat disgusted that I was emotional. Yet I had every right to be upset, my husband, the man I loved and had given everything to, was having another affair and not even taking precautions to hide it from me or our children. The more pain and emotional anguish I expressed the deeper he stared into me which only increased my anguish because he refused to respond except to ask for his phone back.
It was only after he found out that I had contacted his latest conquest via his cell phone that he became enraged and abusive. He began calmly telling me, while still deploying the reptilian stare, that I was crazy and an embarrassment, that he couldn’t possibly love anyone like me because I was obviously unstable and too emotional. He told me how dare I question him or touch his belongings and how dare I contact anyone listed in his phone. He told me that he was appalled and disgusted by my behavior. He also reminded me that this was exactly the reason why none of our friends liked me and why my family couldn’t stand me and thought I was a total failure.
Now keep in mind I had just caught him sexting some poor bimbo and called her to let her know that she was being a whore with a married man. I’m not sure what in my actions were uncalled for considering any significant other in my position, regardless of gender, would’ve reacted the same way if not worse.
But it was the reptilian stare that completely unnerved me. That night I slept in the guest house, door locked with a chair pushed up against the door just in case. I knew he was furious with me for having exposed and embarrassed him and I wasn’t sure what he might do.